When I think about what we did as a family in 2018, two practices stand out in as particularly life-giving and beneficial to each of us. These were both spiritual exercises that we incorporated into our daily rhythms over this past year and were only possible because our kids are now at an age where they could both participate. The first was what we call Good Parts/Hard Parts. The second was what we call the Quiet Minute.
Good Parts/Hard Parts
Toward the beginning of the year, I read, “Sleeping With Bread: Holding What Gives You Life” (affiliate link). An introduction and exploration of the Examen, an Ignatius exercise, the book inspired me to begin a simple version with my children. The idea behind the Examen is to think over the day and take note of which experiences were life-giving (consolations) and which experiences were life-draining (desolations). Over time, as we continue the practice, we will hopefully begin to notice patterns and know ourselves better, and in connection, notice how God meets us in our days.
I was particularly inspired by this story, told in “Sleeping with Bread” by a father named Jim, who had together with his wife, practiced the examen with his three children for 11 years.
The examen has taught my children to trust themselves. They know that God is in all of reality, not only out there but in the core of life and in themselves. Last night our fifteen-year-old daughter Beth turned down an invitation to her first date with a very popular and handsome boy who wanted to take her to a party where there would be a lot of drinking and sexually promiscuous behavior. She knew she didn’t want to be in that kind of environment. The boy was so impressed with her sense of herself that he left the party early and came over to visit with Beth at our home. They talked for a while and he returned to the party with the intention of being the designated driver for anyone who had too much to drink. I think Beth’s inner strength has come from all these years of doing the examen and learning to trust that she knows what gives her life and what doesn’t.
After I read this, I brought it up with Tim, who told me about a family he’d seen put this into practice and whose daughters are now both exceptional young women. We look up to that family and decided we wanted to incorporate it into our own family’s daily rhythms.
With our girls who are now ages 7 and 4, we modified the questions to these:
What were the good parts of your day?
What were the hard parts of your day?
What I’ve appreciated about Good Parts/Hard Parts is that it’s helped us review our days and share them with each other. This has helped build our connection as a family. For my children who had previously been more hesitant to face difficult emotions or experiences, this practice has given them the space and safety to speak of those hard things. I also appreciate that through this practice, our kids see that even as adults, life can sometimes feel hard. And that it’s okay.
Good Parts/Hard Parts has been particularly life-giving to me on the days I struggle emotionally. As we sit together at bedtime and share the good things, I’m reminded that life is both good and hard; that it’s never all just one or the other. So we can still rejoice when things feel tough. And we can also accept life’s imperfections.
Quiet Minute
In September, when our older daughter started Grade 2 and our younger daughter began preschool, I wanted to introduce a practice of stillness as a way for them to take a breath after the busyness and noise of a full day at school. I had personally been working on implementing more consistent times of Centering Prayer into my days (a type of prayer where you sit with one word to help focus, and the intention of simply being with Jesus; read more about the practice here) and I saw how beneficial it was for me to learn how to be and to let myself be loved by God without doing anything. I recognized all the unlearning I had to do to quiet myself and I thought it might be helpful to teach my children at a young age so that hopefully by the time they are adults, they won’t have so much unlearning to do. I also saw how my children are growing up in a world that is both speeding up and getting noisier – an environment that is more of a hindrance than helpful if they want to listen to themselves or to God.
It took a while for us to establish this practice, but we eventually found that it worked best after our drive home and we’d parked our van in the garage. Everybody would unbuckle and find a comfortable position in their seat. Then we’d set the timer and we would sit in the silence together, thinking of one word that reflected God’s presence. Once the timer went off, we would then gather our belongings and head into the house to carry on with our afternoon. We experimented with varying lengths of time, from 1 minute (too long, according to our youngest) to 30 seconds (too short, according to both kids). At present, we are sitting for 59 seconds, which is pretty much 1 minute, but doesn’t sound as long to our youngest. Eventually, as they grow older and this prayer muscle grows stronger, I hope we can extend the duration.
I wasn’t sure how our kids would take to this practice but to our surprise, they now ask for it and remind us to do it. Our 7-year-old especially welcomes the Quiet Minute because she recognizes her need for quiet after a full day at school. For Tim and myself, we find ourselves looking forward to it, too. It feels like a luxury to sit there and just be for a whole minute, and it’s so good for our souls.
When I told my spiritual director about these two practices we were beginning as a family, she remarked, “You’re raising little contemplatives!” I had to smile in agreement. From what I see around me and in the news, I think the world needs more contemplatives – people in touch with themselves and in tune with God so that they can be thoughtful and intentional about life. If I can help nurture this quality in my children, then I will consider it a parenting success.
